Back in the lofty days of the Flames’ current losing streak being just two or three games, I remember having a conversation with Garth suggesting that he take a break from his Oilers, who had won one in their previous dozen contests or so. Sometimes, you need to know when to put a horse – or in this case, a season – out to pasture. After last night’s 2-0 loss to the St. Louis Blues at home, I may have reached that point with the Calgary Flames. But before I stop listening to Peter Loubardias’ water-logged warble describe the offensive ineptitude of more low-scoring Flames losses, I crafted one last ditch effort to keep this season from being lost in the NHL standings No Man’s Land between 9th and 12th place.
Darryl Sutter, this is going to require silence and cunning. Actually, I’m not entirely sure if you’re unfamiliar with the maneuver I’m about to suggest. Have you ever snuck onto someone else’s ranch and stole their cattle in the middle of the night? I believe this is called cattle rustling or “duffing” in Australia. Now imagine that you’re the owner of an underachieving group of cattle. They just don’t look like they’re producing enough meat on their bones. Or enough calves. Or whatever the fuck your cattle are supposed to do. They’re still producing a decent amount though, and it’s not enough for you to get government assistance to support your farm, assuming there is such a thing for undergrown/undersexed cattle. Down yonder, you see a rival farm, and their cattle are completely screwed. They don’t have any meat on their bones. They don’t have any calves. And they lost Nikolai Khabibulin, who was kind of a stupid signing for that cattle ranch to make anyway, for the year. They’re well on their way to getting government assistance, ditching their sickly cattle and filling out their ranch with healthy, meaty cattle for a nice long-term run.
Darryl, you need to steal those cattle. Your cattle aren’t going anywhere except staying just useful enough for you not to get government assistance, but not useful enough for you to win the prized golden horns, awarded to the top rancher in Alberta every year by meat weight. Or whatever prize cattle ranchers win.
I think you get what I’m saying. You’re going to need access to the Oilers locker room, and a bunch of chloroform. Pump both the Flames and the Oilers locker rooms until all the players pass out. Load up your horse trailer with Flames player, get Brent to load up his with Oilers, and pull the old switcheroo. All of a sudden, in the middle of the night, you’ve gone from a middling, likely unsuccessful, team that will be mired in the standings purgatory of the middle of the pack for years to come to one that is going straight to the top of the draft. And Taylor Hall. Sure, you have to take on a few contractual abominations in the form of Shawn Horcoff and Khabibulin. But within a few years of being awful, you’ll have reloaded on decent draft picks and be ready to turn this ship around much quicker than you can with this current Flames group.
Oh wait. You traded your 2010 first rounder to the Coyotes for Olli fucking Jokinen.
Fuck it, nevermind.